Who will forgive whom? - Tag graylikeme

[open_flame]

What would happen if Liz's yearly distraction mission on the anniversary of the day she killed her family was to try to recruit a watchmaker from Queens to the BPRD?

Featuring the illustrious and amazing graylikeme in the role of Gabriel Gray.




I don’t need to check the calendar. I know what day it is. The worst day of the year. Everyone at the Bureau has been walking on eggshells like they do every year. Don’t mention it. Don’t upset her. Give her an easy mission to make her feel useful and better about herself.

Right.

I grab the file off my bed and read though it slowly. Queens….great. Still, it beats the hell out of sitting around here all day with my thoughts. I don’t want that, even though it’s what they don’t want as well. For once, the powers that be of the BPRD and I agree on something. If I don’t get out of this place and get my mind off what I did in Kansas, I will…do something I’ll regret. Or maybe...I wouldn’t regret it. Been thinking about it enough lately, but I never have the guts to even touch that big gun in the bottom of my dresser. It took a lot of cash and time to find a shop to sell me one without a background check. All that time and energy, and I can’t even work up the courage to pick it up, put it to my head and pull the trigger.

The plane ride is quick. At first I entertain the idea of it just dropping out of the sky, like planes do sometimes. That would make it easy. I wouldn’t even have to lift a finger to end my life. Of course, I don’t want to take the pilot with me, and I can hear Manning bitching in my head about how much it would cost to replace the plane. It’s the little one, not the big jet. I could have driven, but…I guess Manning could spare the puddle jumper before one of the cars. They never want to leave me ALL alone today. Guess they’re not so stupid after all. At least the pilot won’t be following me to Queens. Sad eyes work pretty well to get what you want sometimes.

I distract myself from the thoughts of the day my family died by reading the file over. Gabriel Gray, a watchmaker. He’s been talking to that Chandra Suresh. They say Suresh is a complete wack-job. Lovely. He probably another one of those that thinks we’re to be studied, researched. Like we’re some sort of wonderful evolution that means everything’s going to be OK. Sparkles and rainbows and sunshine and gifts from God and all that bullshit.

It’s not a gift. It’s a curse. We’re not special. We’re…freaks.

Still, this Gabriel has something new. Something the Bureau hasn’t seen before, and Manning wants him. Or wants his power on the payroll, more accurately. Intuitive aptitude. He can see how anything works. Would be a nice skill to have around the Bureau. Maybe he can fix that damn drippy shower finally.

I take a cab to the shop in Queens. Gray & Sons. It looks like an ordinary watch shop. But I know better than most that things are not always what they seem. I step out of the cab, the bits of the watch we had Red smash in an envelope. Like anyone could actually fix this, but we need a cover. Something to get him talking about what he could do and hopefully convince him to come with me back to BPRD. We could use some new blood that doesn’t get killed or quit in less than a month.

I put on that great fake smile I’ve perfected and push the door to the shop open. “Hello?” It looks spotless, like my room. A place for everything and everything in its place. The gently ticking of the array of clocks on the wall is almost soothing, like a meditation or a song. Maybe I should get a clock.

“Mr. Gray?” I move a little farther back in the shop. He’s supposed to be here. Maybe be went out for lunch or something? “Come out come out where ever you are.”

I throw caution to the wind and push back to the rear of the shop. Hopefully he won’t mind that I…

FUCK! My hand is up with a small fireball in an instant, a flick of my wrist spinning it towards the rope tied around the mans neck. He hits the ground with loud thud as I drop the envelope and rush over to him, grabbing his head to make him look at me as he gasps from air. The rope is still circling his neck, those eyes filled with an all to familiar look of pain and regret. We’re both pulling at it, trying to get his airflow back to him. A rope? Never thought of trying it that way. I wonder if it hurts less than a bullet. If the rope was a little longer your neck would probably just snap before you even had time to suffocate..

Do your job, Lizzie!

“ Are you alright?” I try not to sound panicked myself. This is NOT what this was supposed to be. Who the FUCK sends a suicidal girl to go talk to a suicidal man and offer him a fucking job? Fucking Manning! He could maybe have them do a tiny bit more research. We know the guy likes tea, but we didn’t know he wanted to off himself?

He’s gasping for air, looking at me like I’m some kind of devil…or angel. “Hey, come on. Say something.” What’s he thinking? God I wish Abe was here.

His eyes gloss over with wetness, his face twisted up in pain as he leans in closer to me. I don’t know what to do or say or even think. Does he want…a hug? Would a hug even help? Hugs are supposed to help right?

“Forgive me.” He wheezes as I pull him close to my chest, without really meaning to.

Forgive him? For what?

Comments

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

I press my eyes closed, my lower lip trembling. I can't help but think that this is a miracle, maybe some sign, some divine intervention. God doesn't want me dead and he sent me this girl to save me. Because it has to be a miracle, why else would the rope snap, why would she be here when customers are so rare these days?

I sit up, my back against the counter, rubbing my throat slightly. It's going to be sore for a while and yes, it's painful, but it's a sign that I'm still alive, delivered back into a life where there might be some hope after all. I didn't think that God was paying attention and now... maybe he is?

"I was asking forgiveness, because... because I've done something unforgivable." Death had seemed like a cleansing fire, inevitable.

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

I'm still sitting on the floor, the rope in my hands. I take a moment to press out the smoldering end where the fire broke it with my fingers while his eyes are closed. He's clearly upset and springing 'oh, hey look at this rope I burnt with fire that came out of my hands' on his would probably be a bad thing. No, definitely a bad thing. Most people do not like knowing that there are others out there like him. My luck he'd run, and I'd have to chase him, and I really don't want to chase him. I wore heels today because I was given the distinct impression that there would be absolutely no chasing or running.

I can't keep that fake smile on my face, of course. Listening to him is like listening to a recording of myself. I've seen the tapes, the ones they took of me when BPRD took me in. Funny how every time this day rolls around, I feel as scared and helpless as when I was 11 years old all over again.

"Hey, come on." I scoot myself a little bit closer to him, trying to smile but it's more of a not-really-a-frown. "Just about everything is forgivable. It can't be that bad, right?" It might be. But I hope it's not. Moreso I hope that hope is not wasted in this case. I lean my head up on the cupboard doors under the counter and look into his eyes. Such sad eyes.

I wasn't expecting to have to comfort someone who want's to die today. It was supposed to be business as usual. Get in, have a nice chat, offer him a job, get out, and go home and cry myself to sleep. Easy Peasy.

This...is not going to be easy.

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

I look away from her, shaking my head. "It can. It... it is." I don't want to be thinking about Brian, but I haven't been able to think about anything else since it happened. "It's not true that everything is forgivable." What happened flashes by my inner eye again, the thoughts that went through my head, that Brian was so undeserving of the wonderful gift he was carrying. He'd asked me to make it go away and I had. And for what. What did I have to show for it?

I'm still having difficulties with breathing properly, though that isn't important. "A man had something I wanted and I took it at a terrible price." I chew on the inside of my cheek, I know that I can't tell her exactly what happened or why I tried and failed to kill myself. It's not normal. No one normal does what you do. Or would ever consider it.

I glance over at her briefly. She seems concerned, but she's a stranger. Then again, just about everyone are strangers. I don't know anyone at all apart from my mom and she wouldn't miss me at all for a while, at least.

It could have been days before anyone had even found me.

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

What did he do? I almost want to ask, but I know it must be bad since he's got rope burns on his neck, and I hate it when people ask me about what I did that was so bad. "It was bad." Is all I ever say. It's in my file, if people wanted to see it they could. Trouble with him is, there's nothing in his file about a big bad truth. He's not possessed, and he sure as hell isn't evil.There is no 'by the book' for a situation like this. I'm not really sure how the Bureau would want me to proceed in this case.

What do I want to do?

"We've all done horrible shit. People are...bad. We do bad things. Terrible horrible things, it's like it's... human nature." The fact that it's very hypocritical for me to be saying this to him is NOT lost on me, thank you. "What the hell is doing THIS.." I still have the rope in my hand and I hold it up for him to see. "...going to do to fix whatever you did? It won't. It...can't. I'm sorry but...the world needs you. You're important." Every life is...every one I've ended...and every one I try to save. I can't explain it to him when he's like this, can I? Throw that story on top of what he's going though now? Not the best idea.

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

I glance from the rope and to her, processing what she's saying. People are bad, I know that. I also know know what happens to bad people and by all normal laws, I should be dead now, locked away somewhere in Hell. I reach out, taking the rope myself, looking at the end of it in wonder. Something did happen to it, but I can't speculate too much about what it could have been. All of my theories sound far fetched.

"Important. You think I'm important?" The smallest chuckle is pulled out of me. Chandra thought I was special and I'd wanted to believe it, all the way up to the point where he betrayed me, dropped me because he thought that I was nothing, not even slightly worth his time.

Maybe it stung extra because I'd almost felt that we were family, that he was almost a father to me.

"I'm..." I shake my head. "concerned that you might be disappointed then. But you saved me, so I guess that makes you responsible for my life now. I read that... somewhere." I push my glasses up, I'm only joking. Weak joke.

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

Liz shows me her ability and it'd be lie to claim that it doesn't catch my eye. She can create fire out of nothing and it's beautiful, I can feel the power of it, no matter how briefly she keeps it up, my eyes flickering from it and to her face. It'd be easy to pin her to a wall, steal it all from her, she hated it for a while, didn't she?

I bite my lip and almost pull away when she takes my hand, though I control myself. It almost feels like she's going to burn me for a moment, her hand is so warm. Has she noticed, read it in my eyes? But no, she keeps talking. Liz does seem to be good at that and it's a relief when there's so much I don't want to talk about myself.

And I am paying attention to what she's saying, what her group seems to know about me. It's much more than what Chandra knew. He didn't think I was special enough for him, but these people...

"I don't..." I swallow, I don't have to be alone. I don't want to be alone either. They can figure it out, maybe they can help me control it. "Don't have to be alone? Really? What if I deserve to be?"

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

I keep holding his hand. It's almost more for me than it is for him. "No one deserves to be alone. We need to stick together, all we have is each other." I can't look at him. I know this must be so strange having some woman show up like this, telling him things that are wholly unbelievable. I wonder what Suresh said to him when he came to see him? I wonder why our guys could see what he could do when Suresh couldn't.

"Gabriel. I work for a place that could really use someone like you. If you wanted to come with me and see, of course." I raise my head finally and continue. "It's called the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense. We protect humanity from," How to describe it? "Well, the things they can't see. And the things they don't want to admit exist. Things that go 'bump in the night' our founder says."

"You don't have to, if you don't want. Newark's not that great but," I smile weakly. "It's a government job. You'll be set for as long as you want to be. You're human...and you're not dangerous so you wouldn't even have to stay in the complex unless you wanted too." Unlike me. I have to. I don't have a choice. "And...you'll never get bored. I can promise you that." I smile a bit. One thing this job never is. Boring.

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

It sounds like the chance of a lifetime, somewhere to gain a purpose, to be someone. Maybe it's a second chance? I chew on my lip, thinking it over and considering what she says about being dangerous as well. I know I'm dangerous, but... if I don't say anything, then... No, I really have to, don't I? I frown, feeling conflicted.

"I want to say yes, but I should really... I should tell you something and if you still want to bring me there, then..."

I take a deep breath and share the story. I tell her everything, I tell her what happened with Suresh and what happened with Brian. I don't go into the details of it, not too much. I don't look up, I don't want to see her expression change.

"That's what happened. I didn't want to hurt him or... hurt anyone. It just overwhelmed me, it was impulse. He had something, I wanted it and I have it."

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

Well this complicated matters doesn't it? He killed someone. A targeted kill. A murder, if you get right down to it. I let out a shaky breath and don't speak for some time. He's shared so much with me. More than I'd expect him to tell anyone he's just met. We're still sitting on the floor. Still speaking in hushed voices. I'm grateful no one has come into the shop, but not surprised. We live in a disposable world, most people would just go to the store and buy a new watch. I guess that's lucky right now.

"We all have a side we're not proud of. A side we try to hide, especially from ourselves. We want to pretend the darkness we have inside doesn't exist." I finally speak in the same quite tone. "But, it does. That aspect of ourselves we don't want is always there." I can feel my tears welling up, thinking about that day...today, all those years ago. My parents, those kids. I was just a kid myself but I was so angry, so afraid. It was...impulse.

"As long as we're sharing," I sigh and let the story pour out of me. It feels like it just happened yesterday, but it always does. It's the more vivid memory I have. I remember what I was wearing, what I ate for lunch that day (peanut butter with grape jelly). I can feels the single tear dribble out of my eye when I finish. "We're not a rehab center, and we can't make the guilt go away. Nothing can do that. But, we can help you, get control. And you can help us," I force a smile and finally raise my head. "You can help us save the world."

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

I expect her to run or to use her fire and kill me. Maybe that's what I'm secretely hoping for, I don't know, but I didn't expect her to speak about the darkness inside as if she knows it very well. And I certainly didn't expect her to share what she does as well. It leaves me stunned, feeling... a connection. She didn't mean to do it, kill all those people when she was a kid. Her ability did it, triggered by... by extreme emotion. It controlled her as much as mine did me.

It doesn't take away any of the guilt at all, but somehow it helps, it does.

I pat my pockets, pulling out a completely clean handkerchief, handing it over to her. "I'm sorry. Not that it makes it any better, you know. Those words never help with anything, but..." I look down. "Just thought I should say it anyway."

Save the world. If I did anything like that... could doing something really really good make up for what I did? I don't think so, but I do want to be someone.

"I want to go with you. I've decided."

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

I shrug. "I've had it ever since my dad left, more or less, since my mom wanted nothing to do with it. But I've really only worked here the last few years, I had to learn the profession properly first." I slip the keys in my pocket and look around, thinking that she probably has a car around here somewhere.

"My place isn't that far away, so if you want to walk there and back again, we can do that." I don't mind either way, it'll be a chance to clear my head a little. I'd say a chance to get some fresh air, though I think it's probably a little fresher inside the store than here.

I'm keeping my head down, avoiding the sunlight where she only slips sunglasses on.

"I don't... do the whole... picking up girls thing. No need to rush on the glasses." I'm much too awkward for that. If it hadn't been for Liz saving my life, I might have been too embarassed to talk to her as well.

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

"We can walk, sure." I nod as my eyes follow the heavy traffic. "I'll call a cab while you're packing up to take us to the plane. You don't mind flying, do you?"

The walk to his place is quick, though I am thankful I wore flats instead of heels. "They're standard issue. You'll probably get a few suits, too. They go good with the badge." I smile and pull the sunglasses off. "I'm kidding, we don't have badges, or business cards. We're sort of like ghosts. Unless someone already knows we exist, we try to keep a low profile."

Gabriel's apartment is lined with shelves and shelves of book. More books than anything really. Trevor is going to love this guy. "You have a few books." I tease him with a smile.

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

"I've actually never been outside of New York, so I don't know about flying, really."

I head for the hidden room behind the mirror where I keep a small suitcase, blocking the view for her, not wanting her to see what I painted on the walls in there. Returning, I head for the small bedroom and place some clothes in it, careful with shirts and pants. "Just a few books" I manage a smile looking over at her on the way to the bathroom.

What am I doing? I try not to think about that so much, it's better for me to not be here, isn't it? If they ever find Brian, I won't be here to be questioned, that's another advantage by going.

"So... um, do you... do you read a lot?" I'm conscious of trying to keep a conversation, I'm not too good at it, not used to talking this much to someone I don't know either. It's difficult.

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

While he packs I glance around the front room, trying not to be nosy, but also trying to get a feel for the guy, too.

"Flying's not so bad." I'm lying though my teeth. I hate flying, but you can't avoid it with a job like this. "You'll see plenty of the planet with the Bureau. We've got branches all over the world." That is the truth. An understatement really.

I frown a bit at his question, though he can't see me. "I don't read as much as I should." I run my hand down the bookshelf. Everything is perfectly organized, just like Abe likes his books. "We have a very extensive collection though. Our guy in research read 4 books a day. Every day. He makes up for me." I sigh and wonder if he's making small talk, or if he's really is interested in how much I read.

"We can have your books shipped over, if you want." It would take forever to pack them all up.

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

"Four books a day? That's..." Impossible... surely she's just exaggerating? Though she did say that people there were special people there and that's as good as any ability, isn't it? It's not one that was ever listed by Chandra, of course, but he dosen't know everything. It's not on my list either, which reminds me that I still have the map up on the wall, notes visible. I have to take care of that too before leaving.

I return, dropping the last item in the suitcase and finishing the sentence I left hanging. "It's incredible. I'd love to see that collection too." I slip sideways to the map, tugging it and the list right off the wall and into a trashcan with one smooth move. I don't need it anymore, I don't need what it represents. It shows too easily where my mind was before my attempt on my own life. Between that and the closet filled with my guilt... I don't want any of those reminders left.

"I'm ready to go, Liz."

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

I listen to the stories Liz are telling me with a blank expression, nodding slowly. It's vampires, followed by tooth fairies, followed by stories about ghosts and I don't know what to think. It doesn't matter what I think, actually. It passes the time and it makes Liz less nervous, I can tell that much. I matter to one person, making one person feel better. I think I like that.

So what if the stories makes me question her sanity, just a little bit? Liz seems so sweet and if there -really- is something to these stories? I'll deal with that later, can't think about it now.

The plane lands without incident and I breathe out a sigh of relief. "We're here already. This... is actually the furthest I've ever been from home." Maybe I should be ashamed about that.

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

"Well, we'll remedy that. You will probably end up going to every continent at least once before you even know it. And you'll see just about everything." I laugh and lead him to the big hallway with all the artifacts we've collected over the years. Vessels and reliquary's and tons of photographs I took and others took as well. I walk slowly so he can see them all and ask any questions he might have.

He's calm about this. It's refreshing honestly. This one just might last. I could use a friend here, one I can go outside with that isn't my boss like Kate or Broom are.

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

It takes a long time for me to get through the hallway, there's too many strange things to stop and look at, though I don't ask too many questions. I'm almost worried about the answers I'll receive, especially because I think Liz believes every single word of what she's saying and maybe I don't really want to be thinking that all of this really is true. I can deal better with that in the morning, it's probably some kind of defense mechanism there.

"I've got a feeling it would take a lifetime to go through all of this." I pause when we get to a big room that's full of books and revise it. "Probably several lifetimes, this is..." This I can really relate to, I've always loved places like this.

There's artifacts here too, but they seem to fit better here than out in the corridor, on display. The only thing that does seem out of place is what seems to be a fish tank to the side, though there's no fish in there that I can see. The water is a little murky, perhaps they all died?

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

I watch him explore Brooms study as I try and figure out how to show him the next "big thing" on the agenda of big things. He's facinated by the books as i expected him to me. I bet he'll want to read them all after the initial shock of everything wears off.

"Hello." A gentle voice comes from the tank as I watch Abe Sapien press his fingers to the glass of his tank, watching Gabriel closely. I know what he's doing and shoot him a warning look to get him to pull his hand off the glass. No mind reading the first day, Blue. I think hard as I look at Abe.

"Um...Gabriel? Someone you should meet." Oh, man I hope this doesn't freak him out.

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

"That has to be different, right? You got to know the game rules." But I already know that it isn't different. I can see the possibilities in this ability and Chandra, he didn't even think I had one, nothing special. I slip my hands in my pockets, glancing over at Abe and Liz. This is such a strange place to find myself in and I think I'm only scratcing the surface.

I've only barely thought that when there's a commotion, a cat running through the room with something in its mouth. I blink. Was that a... candy bar that it was carrying?

"Give it back!" There's a rumble and I instinctively step back. Someone or something is charging after the cat and whatever it is, it's going to be something big.

I didn't anticipate the chock of seeing the demon run into the room though, that is a little too much.

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

"We don't know really. You'll have to talk to..." I freeze when I notice the big chandelier shake. Crap...I really didn't want him to meet Red this way.

"RED! Don't chase him! Don't you know anything?" I shout as my eyes pop back to Gabriel and I try to explain what just stormed past us. "Yeah...So Abe's not the only unique person here." Oh God. He's not gonna faint or anything is he?

"Hey! I'm one of a kind, Kid!" Red barks as he saunters back to us with the cat under his big stone arm and the Baby Ruth bar in his mouth. "We got another new guy?" He nods his head at Gabriel, not even phased by that shoked look on his face.

"Um...Hi?" Red says as he steps closer to Gabriel before looking back a me. "You forget to tell the newbie about me, Liz?" He says with that hurt tone in his voice that I just hate.

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

I'm taking a step back when it.. he?.. takes a step closer, clutching the side of the desk behind me. It's a demon, a big red demon and I think my heart about to burst out of my chest. When I stepped off the chair, I was pretty sure that I'd go to Hell, that's what I've been taught to believe. I've also been taught to believe that there's demons in Hell and this, surely, is one of them, temporarily making me think that maybe I died after all.

At least until I dare take my eyes off him and see that Liz is standing there still, not appearing to be frightened at all. This is normal for her? What am I saying, there's a fishman in a tank over there, normal has completely left the building.

So I try to find my voice again, even if I can hear my pulse pounding in my ears and even if I wish I was wearing a gold cross, just like mom. "Um... hey. I'm Gabriel."

Like the angel. Please don't hurt me.

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

"Red...." My voice is so whiny I shouldn't be surprised when Red laughs at me. "Just...take Fuzzbutt and wait outside would you?" I beg as I flick my hand towards the door. The big guy looks almost hurt. "Please?" I give him those big puppy dog eyes I know will make him putty in my hands.

"Alright, fine." Hellboy nods to Gabriel and stomps out of the room. I can tell he's waiting outside the door because the thundering footsteps stop much sooner than they should. He probably has his big nosy head pressed against the door to hear everything we're saying. Oh well.

"I am SO sorry, Gabriel." I rush over and grab for Gabriel's hand as Abe shrugs and begins replacing the books on the pedestals. "I thought Hellboy was still on a mission I should have warned you about him." I look at him with pleading eyes. I hope he doesn't quit over this. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

Liz's expression does tell me more than I want to know about what the distraction is and how she feels about what he says. "This distraction is going to bed as soon as I know where that bed might be, actually. No need to worry about me, mister demon sir."

I'm pretty tall, but standing up he's still taller than me. I'm not going to be intimidated though, I refuse to be, even if I was scared before. "Liz, could you just... show me where my room will be? I won't be a bother after that, I promise."

Well, unless there's monsters hiding in my room as well.

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

Aw, Crap....

"What did you call me?" Red stops dead in his tracks and glares at Gabriel. I should have warned him that nothing, nothing makes Red more angry than being called a demon. Sure, he is one but still...

"Hey, Big Red! We got a situation that needs your...expertise." Thankfully, Agent Moss dashes into the room and Red nods, grunting a sort of goodbye before he leaves Gabriel and I alone again.

"I...uh." I clear my throat. "I'll talk to Manning about getting you a room." And just like that, the good day it ruined. Not that today was a good day, but it was better than usual. "I'm sorry." I say to Gabriel because I can't think of anything else to do but apologize.