Who will forgive whom? - Tag graylikeme

[open_flame]

What would happen if Liz's yearly distraction mission on the anniversary of the day she killed her family was to try to recruit a watchmaker from Queens to the BPRD?

Featuring the illustrious and amazing graylikeme in the role of Gabriel Gray.




I don’t need to check the calendar. I know what day it is. The worst day of the year. Everyone at the Bureau has been walking on eggshells like they do every year. Don’t mention it. Don’t upset her. Give her an easy mission to make her feel useful and better about herself.

Right.

I grab the file off my bed and read though it slowly. Queens….great. Still, it beats the hell out of sitting around here all day with my thoughts. I don’t want that, even though it’s what they don’t want as well. For once, the powers that be of the BPRD and I agree on something. If I don’t get out of this place and get my mind off what I did in Kansas, I will…do something I’ll regret. Or maybe...I wouldn’t regret it. Been thinking about it enough lately, but I never have the guts to even touch that big gun in the bottom of my dresser. It took a lot of cash and time to find a shop to sell me one without a background check. All that time and energy, and I can’t even work up the courage to pick it up, put it to my head and pull the trigger.

The plane ride is quick. At first I entertain the idea of it just dropping out of the sky, like planes do sometimes. That would make it easy. I wouldn’t even have to lift a finger to end my life. Of course, I don’t want to take the pilot with me, and I can hear Manning bitching in my head about how much it would cost to replace the plane. It’s the little one, not the big jet. I could have driven, but…I guess Manning could spare the puddle jumper before one of the cars. They never want to leave me ALL alone today. Guess they’re not so stupid after all. At least the pilot won’t be following me to Queens. Sad eyes work pretty well to get what you want sometimes.

I distract myself from the thoughts of the day my family died by reading the file over. Gabriel Gray, a watchmaker. He’s been talking to that Chandra Suresh. They say Suresh is a complete wack-job. Lovely. He probably another one of those that thinks we’re to be studied, researched. Like we’re some sort of wonderful evolution that means everything’s going to be OK. Sparkles and rainbows and sunshine and gifts from God and all that bullshit.

It’s not a gift. It’s a curse. We’re not special. We’re…freaks.

Still, this Gabriel has something new. Something the Bureau hasn’t seen before, and Manning wants him. Or wants his power on the payroll, more accurately. Intuitive aptitude. He can see how anything works. Would be a nice skill to have around the Bureau. Maybe he can fix that damn drippy shower finally.

I take a cab to the shop in Queens. Gray & Sons. It looks like an ordinary watch shop. But I know better than most that things are not always what they seem. I step out of the cab, the bits of the watch we had Red smash in an envelope. Like anyone could actually fix this, but we need a cover. Something to get him talking about what he could do and hopefully convince him to come with me back to BPRD. We could use some new blood that doesn’t get killed or quit in less than a month.

I put on that great fake smile I’ve perfected and push the door to the shop open. “Hello?” It looks spotless, like my room. A place for everything and everything in its place. The gently ticking of the array of clocks on the wall is almost soothing, like a meditation or a song. Maybe I should get a clock.

“Mr. Gray?” I move a little farther back in the shop. He’s supposed to be here. Maybe be went out for lunch or something? “Come out come out where ever you are.”

I throw caution to the wind and push back to the rear of the shop. Hopefully he won’t mind that I…

FUCK! My hand is up with a small fireball in an instant, a flick of my wrist spinning it towards the rope tied around the mans neck. He hits the ground with loud thud as I drop the envelope and rush over to him, grabbing his head to make him look at me as he gasps from air. The rope is still circling his neck, those eyes filled with an all to familiar look of pain and regret. We’re both pulling at it, trying to get his airflow back to him. A rope? Never thought of trying it that way. I wonder if it hurts less than a bullet. If the rope was a little longer your neck would probably just snap before you even had time to suffocate..

Do your job, Lizzie!

“ Are you alright?” I try not to sound panicked myself. This is NOT what this was supposed to be. Who the FUCK sends a suicidal girl to go talk to a suicidal man and offer him a fucking job? Fucking Manning! He could maybe have them do a tiny bit more research. We know the guy likes tea, but we didn’t know he wanted to off himself?

He’s gasping for air, looking at me like I’m some kind of devil…or angel. “Hey, come on. Say something.” What’s he thinking? God I wish Abe was here.

His eyes gloss over with wetness, his face twisted up in pain as he leans in closer to me. I don’t know what to do or say or even think. Does he want…a hug? Would a hug even help? Hugs are supposed to help right?

“Forgive me.” He wheezes as I pull him close to my chest, without really meaning to.

Forgive him? For what?

Comments

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

I keep holding his hand. It's almost more for me than it is for him. "No one deserves to be alone. We need to stick together, all we have is each other." I can't look at him. I know this must be so strange having some woman show up like this, telling him things that are wholly unbelievable. I wonder what Suresh said to him when he came to see him? I wonder why our guys could see what he could do when Suresh couldn't.

"Gabriel. I work for a place that could really use someone like you. If you wanted to come with me and see, of course." I raise my head finally and continue. "It's called the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense. We protect humanity from," How to describe it? "Well, the things they can't see. And the things they don't want to admit exist. Things that go 'bump in the night' our founder says."

"You don't have to, if you don't want. Newark's not that great but," I smile weakly. "It's a government job. You'll be set for as long as you want to be. You're human...and you're not dangerous so you wouldn't even have to stay in the complex unless you wanted too." Unlike me. I have to. I don't have a choice. "And...you'll never get bored. I can promise you that." I smile a bit. One thing this job never is. Boring.

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

It sounds like the chance of a lifetime, somewhere to gain a purpose, to be someone. Maybe it's a second chance? I chew on my lip, thinking it over and considering what she says about being dangerous as well. I know I'm dangerous, but... if I don't say anything, then... No, I really have to, don't I? I frown, feeling conflicted.

"I want to say yes, but I should really... I should tell you something and if you still want to bring me there, then..."

I take a deep breath and share the story. I tell her everything, I tell her what happened with Suresh and what happened with Brian. I don't go into the details of it, not too much. I don't look up, I don't want to see her expression change.

"That's what happened. I didn't want to hurt him or... hurt anyone. It just overwhelmed me, it was impulse. He had something, I wanted it and I have it."

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

Well this complicated matters doesn't it? He killed someone. A targeted kill. A murder, if you get right down to it. I let out a shaky breath and don't speak for some time. He's shared so much with me. More than I'd expect him to tell anyone he's just met. We're still sitting on the floor. Still speaking in hushed voices. I'm grateful no one has come into the shop, but not surprised. We live in a disposable world, most people would just go to the store and buy a new watch. I guess that's lucky right now.

"We all have a side we're not proud of. A side we try to hide, especially from ourselves. We want to pretend the darkness we have inside doesn't exist." I finally speak in the same quite tone. "But, it does. That aspect of ourselves we don't want is always there." I can feel my tears welling up, thinking about that day...today, all those years ago. My parents, those kids. I was just a kid myself but I was so angry, so afraid. It was...impulse.

"As long as we're sharing," I sigh and let the story pour out of me. It feels like it just happened yesterday, but it always does. It's the more vivid memory I have. I remember what I was wearing, what I ate for lunch that day (peanut butter with grape jelly). I can feels the single tear dribble out of my eye when I finish. "We're not a rehab center, and we can't make the guilt go away. Nothing can do that. But, we can help you, get control. And you can help us," I force a smile and finally raise my head. "You can help us save the world."

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

I expect her to run or to use her fire and kill me. Maybe that's what I'm secretely hoping for, I don't know, but I didn't expect her to speak about the darkness inside as if she knows it very well. And I certainly didn't expect her to share what she does as well. It leaves me stunned, feeling... a connection. She didn't mean to do it, kill all those people when she was a kid. Her ability did it, triggered by... by extreme emotion. It controlled her as much as mine did me.

It doesn't take away any of the guilt at all, but somehow it helps, it does.

I pat my pockets, pulling out a completely clean handkerchief, handing it over to her. "I'm sorry. Not that it makes it any better, you know. Those words never help with anything, but..." I look down. "Just thought I should say it anyway."

Save the world. If I did anything like that... could doing something really really good make up for what I did? I don't think so, but I do want to be someone.

"I want to go with you. I've decided."

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

"Thank you." I'm sorry. I've heard it a thousand times. So many just expect those words to be like a switch, that saying them will magically make it all go away. It's doesn't. Nothing will. I take the handkerchief from him and dab my eyes. I smile when he says he'd like to join us. I know as well as anyone it won't make the pain stop, the guilt or the anger at yourself. But it's something. And sometimes, something is enough. Enough to keep you going on days you just want to give up.

"I promise your first mission won't be like this one. Much less being sadness and crying. " I smile softly and stand, smoothing out the skirt of my dress. Dresses aren't so bad. "We'll try and make it something really interesting like a possession of a college football team or something like that. Start you off with something exciting." I hold my hand out to him to help him up.

"How long do you need to pack up your things?" I ask glancing around the shop. "We can send someone for them too, if you'd like."

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

I do take her hand and get to my feet again, pausing a little at the word 'possession'. They really deal with things like that? "That... um... that does sound exciting." Maybe a little too exciting. "So you do exorcisms and such?" That I'm familiar with, being catholic. "Driving out demons?"

She did mention everything that goes bump in the night, so it would mean that it's a much wider range of choices. I can't imagine what those choices might be, I don't believe in monsters unless they come in the shape of humans, but... She already said possessions. I can believe in invisible spirits in the sky so why not everything else? Open minded might be good.

"And... I don't need much." I'm already wearing my Sylar, so I gather my repair kit, tuck that under my arm and I have everything I need from the store, at least. "Clothes and tooth brush from my apartment, that's all. But if you want to send someone for that, then... that's fine."

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

"Something like that, yeah." It's so much more complicated than a simple exorcism. We can do exorcisms in our sleep. "It's more than just demons, though. We deal with bad...people, too." Like people who think collecting the things necessary for resurrecting a Hungarian blood countess would be a fun 'hobby.'

I don't know what the Bureau will want him to do right away. He might need training, he might shadow another agent. "I have time." I do, they tend to clear my days thinking it will help me feel better. It doesn't.

"You can take a few days if you need to talk to your family of friends about this." Not everyone comes to the Bureau with no one who loves them on the outside. "But don't tell them exactly what we...you...will be doing. Anyone asks, it's regular old FBI. Top Secret." I laugh a little. I'm laughing...today? "It'll get you lots of girls interested when you tell them that. It sounds very mysterious. Girls like that." Normal girls anyway.

[graylikeme.livejournal.com]

"I... um, no. I don't need to tell anyone anything." I find my keys and head for the door. "I only have my mother and she wouldn't understand anyway." I don't see her often as it is and as long as I keep sending her money and have the neighbors do her shopping, she'll be fine. She's lost to her own world, but I have to live in mine, somehow.

Standing outside with Liz and locking up, I have a profound sense of how lonely this is. I'm getting the chance of a lifetime, literally a second chance and... there's no one to share it with. No one that can be happy for me or who'd even miss me. I brush a finger briefly over the marks I know have to be on my neck and then step back, giving the store a last look. I don't know when I'll be back, I don't know how the whole Bureau thing works. I do know that I wouldn't want to sell the store though.

"So, quick stop by my apartment and right to Newark then? Promise I won't try to impress girls on the way." As if I would, but I feel the need to at least try to joke back with her. She's trying, I'm trying.

[open-flame.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry." It's more of a reaction than an actual apology. It's a good thing, maybe. He won't have anyone to worry about him or ask questions. He won't have to lie as much. It makes things so much easier.

"It's a nice shop. Have you had it long?" I skipped the personal history part of his file. I honestly didn't expect him to say yes. And if he did, I expected it to take a few days to settle things. In fact, I'm a bit at a lose as to how to handle it that he wants to come back today. We usually have more time to set this up but...is it hypocritical to say I don't want to leave him alone?

"Yeah, we can go back today." I'll have to call Kate Corrigan while he's packing up and let her know to expect us back today. She'll figure something out. She always does. "Is your apartment far?" I squint in the sunlight and put on the obligatory special agent sunglasses. "I'll make sure you get some of these. They help with impressing the girls." I smile again and tease him. I'm smiling, again. Wow.